KWENTO

2005-05-05T12:22:00.000+08:00

i am so bored..nakakailang posts na ko.. wala lang.. hindi ko na alam kung pano ko ipuput into words lahat ng nararamdaman ko.. sheesh..

stigmatized

2005-05-05T12:05:00.000+08:00

If I give up on you I give up on me

If we fight what's true, will we ever be

Even God himself and the faith I knew

Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you

Tease me, by holding out your hand

Then leave me, or take me as i am

And live our lives, stigmatized

I can feel the blood rushing though my veins

When i hear your voice, driving me insane

Hour after hour day after day

Every lonely night that i sit and pray

We live our lives on different sides,

But we keep together you and I

Just live our lives, stigmatized

We'll live our lives, We'll take the punches everyday

We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way

I believe in you

Even if no one understands

I believe in you, and i don't really give a damn

If we're stigmatized

We live our lives on different sides

But we keep together you and I

We live our lives on different sides

We gotta live our lives

Gotta live our lives

Were gonna live our lives

We're gonna live our lives,

Gonna live our lives,

Stigmatized

sorry...

2005-05-05T12:03:00.000+08:00

if not for me, you would not have to hurt this way.. im sorry..

i am not there

2005-05-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

i am here.

just here.

though i know i need to be there.

it pains me to see you this way.

i hope i had the power to make everything just fine.

i hope i can make you stay.

i hope to give you just about everything.

i hate it that all my hopes remain a dream.

taggers?

2005-05-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

to those who tagged me..
eka: tam! miss you! see you soon..
macy: imiss you!! 5 ngayon.. happy!!! hahaha.. ayan ah.. di ko nakalimutan
mary: kahit di naman ako umoo, nilink mo na ko eh.. hahaha pero ayos lang. nilink di kita.. haha
mian: your blog deserves to be patronized!!
pauline: ayos lang naman.. haha.. congrats at pumayag din lola mo sa UP..
sam: i love you!! salamat talaga..
kitten: ayan na.. inupdate ko na!=p

no cohesion

2005-05-05T08:59:00.000+08:00

i don't wanna write here, actually.. but ive got a couple of reasons why im writing:

i haven't written anything here in 12 days

kitten said it's time to update my blog
i'll be gone for another 12 days. i promise to write about it when i get back.
i have nothing to do (besides packing), and
no ones online's worth talking to.

here are some reasons why i haven't been writing:

everytime i go online, there's someone online i want to talk to.
i find more joy in reading other blogs.
i dont think anyone reads this. So if you do, tag me. so i know someone does.
my minds all messed up. this blog has no cohesion at all.

so there, here are some things i've done since april 24. it's not chronologically arranged for i don't remember when ive done it.

i finished my 1000 piece puzzle. someone was proud of me for that! (yey!ü)
ilearned to do this.. ü all i knew before was this..Ü
i finished a 500 piece puzzle in6 hours.. nothing to be proud of since it was so easy.
i had lunch with ms windsor, gaye, mian, ivy, aileen, lea, vanessa, telle, and kookie
i watched can this be love on its first day with gaye, mian, ivy, aileen, lea and telle
i went swimming at marga's place since it was so hot in the afternoon.
i went swimming at tivoli royale with my family
i drank a half bottle of beer.
i ate sundae ice mix at mcdonalds.
i commuted alone going to katipunan because no one can take me there.it was my first time and i acutally didn't know how.
i had dirty ice cream at UP with gaye, mian, aileen,telle, and ms windsor
i saw ms windsor eat ice cream. daig pa niya ang bata
i had isaw manok at UP with the same people
i sat down sa sunken garden sa UP. again, with the same people.
a huge red ant bit me.
i commuted going home but this time, i was with gaye.
i enrolled at la salle.
i had a chest x-ray. it was my first time.. i think..
i talked to someone i didn't want to talk to for about an hour. some demon got into me, i guess.
someone wrote me a poem. thank you someone!!üüü
God answered my prayer. I could not thank Him enough. A sincere prayer works big time..

sheesh.. i just realized through the list above that this blog is all about me. it is all about what i do and what i need to do and what i want.. i have a couple of questions.. to those who have nothing to do.. please answer them for me.. either write a comment or tag me.. thank you..

does having a blog mean you're selfish because everything is just about you?
or would it be better if you only wrote about you?
will writing about somebody else's life mean you're gossipping?
do you write in your blog so the world would read it or do you write it because you just want to write?
after summer, will you still write in your blog or would you just leave it hanging until the next summer?

enough questions.. i remembered a message sam sent me. i told her that i would write it here.. she told me this because i feel the world is pulling me away from you.. you know who you are.. or at least i hope you do.. here's a part of sam's message:

"if you believe in what you have, if you believe that you can make it, if you
believe in everything made by what you've got, don't let anything ruin it. As long as you believe."

well, i believe. i hope you also believe.

im back

2005-04-23T09:31:00.000+08:00

yes.. im back.. i have not been writing for the past few days for one reason-- i've nothing to write.. i dont know what it is with me.. i was so empty.. literally.. no thoughts, no memories, no nothing.. when i stare at something.. i only think of that something.. nothing else enters my mind.. nothing that that something reminds me of.. sheesh.. i hate being empty.. id rather be sad and cry all day.. for that can only mean my life has something to live for..

but i think my being empty ended 2 days ago.. i went out with some of my classmates--eka, lea, nicole, diego, pearl and nikki.. we met up in school... then ms windsor was there.. so we chatted for about an hour before we left for robinsons galleria.. we wanted her to come but then she said that she didn't plan for it so she couldn't.. and she said gateway was better.. hopefully, we'll go there next week... maybe with her... (to all eavesdroppers reading this, hope you could come.. birthday na ni ms winsor sa tueday)..

then we headed to galle.. we ate at wham! burgers.. after eating, we watched guess who.. for those who don't know the movie, ashton kutcher (correct the spelling if im wrong) and some black girl.. it was nice.. in all fairness.. so back to my story.. after the movie, we went to dreamscape.. we rode the bump cars.. then, we window shopped.. literally... nobody bought anything.. things were too expensive because we did not have money.. after strolling around, we went to ice monster.. the guy in front of us paid 935 php.. sheesh.. talk about a long wait for my ice monster to come.. ao when we got our ice monsters.. it was timeto go back to katipunan.. but pearl did not ride with us because she had ballet near the mall.. so i gave her her ice monster.. well..i gave her the wrong ice monster.. stupid me.. i gave her watermelon (which was nicole's by the way) instead of strawberry.. (sorry pearl and nicole..)we only found out when we have already ridden eka's van.. (hi eka!!!)

so there.. going back to katipunan was fast.. it only took us 12 minutes to get back.. so i arrived national bookstore at 4:28 pm.. my parents arrived 4:30.. so i rode our car... my brothers were there... so i guess we had somewhere to go to.. and yes.. i was right.. we brought our dad in some place called legend villas.. it was beside robinsons pioneer.. for those who dont know the place.. it is the robinsons along edsa where no one goes to.. i know why people dont go there.. people dont go there because there is no reason to.. oh wait!! there's one.. it is very easy to park.. the parking lot is half empty... you can play bump cars if you want.. haha... the mall is even smaller than robinsons metro east.. it has only two floors. no. three.. but only the movie house is in the third floor.. and guess what? the mall did not have a fast food chain.. sheesh.. it was that small.. and the department store was as big as the ladies section in the department store of robinson's galleria.. haha.. enough insulting.. haha.. there.. we ate dinner.. and since we had nothing to do.. we went to the arcade.. which by the way did not have a name.. it wasn't even furnished.. the walls were literally hollow blocks put together.. no paint.. and there was not much to do.. but the tokens were only 5 pesos.. and guess what? if you buy 20 tokens, they give you 15 free.. but the sad part is no tickets go out of the machines.. they had no prizes.. sheesh.. there.. when we finished the tokens.. we went back to legend villas to pick up my dad.. and then we went home... yey!!

it was such a long long day...

but it was all worth it...

truly, being with 4-6 is an escape... my escape from my reality..

what to do..

2005-04-13T12:53:00.000+08:00

please tell me what to do with my life..
i hate being a bum...

STUPID

2005-04-13T10:28:00.000+08:00

i am so stupid..
i have been so stupid for the past few years...
i did not realize until now that what i believe in is totally wrong..
i dwelled too much on something superficial...
having this realization,
i will no longer dwell on that something..
i will now dwell on something worth my time..
it is gonna be hard..
really..
i know it is because i have been so used to dwelling on that something..
it is only a matter of adjustment and sacrifice..
i can do this...
i can.
i can.
i can.
I CAN.
if you understand what im trying to say..
know that i love you..
so much..
but this is for the better...

para sa 4-6

2005-04-12T18:57:00.000+08:00

i remembered just now what mian wrote before...
i've written about it before..

4-6 is an escape...

i need that escape right now..
i need that laughter and the joy you guys bring me..
i need that love you share with me..
i ned that hug that comforts me..
i need that smile that says "i care"..
i need that family that shows me where i belong..
i need that escape..
i need to escape from my pain..

and i thought id be escaping from that pain tomorrow..
i hoped to see you tomorrow..

but i'm still hoping to see you someday...i not soon..
i love you guys..

HOW TO BE ME...

2005-04-12T15:34:00.000+08:00

-END-

next blog

2005-04-11T10:13:00.000+08:00

wala akong magawa.. so i decided to click the "next blog" button on the upper right hand corner of this site.. dinala niya ko sa site na to.. http://2completelyopposingthoughts.blogspot.com/ and i read some articles.. ang ganda nung isa.. here it goes..

"I’m standing on the edge of a cliff.
I want to jump and it seems so simple.
Just lift your legs and propel yourself forward.
But what I can’t figure out is how to tell my brain to tell my
legs to jump.
There is something missing inside of me; the link between
my brain and my feet.
How does one strive towards honesty, integrity and self
love if all they’ve ever learned and practiced is the opposite?
I have always thought of myself and a compassionate, selfless and
self-aware person.
I am starting to realize however that everything I
once though about myself is crumbling around me like a sand castle in a rising
tide.
My layers are melting away and I am faced with my naked self in the mirror
questioning every motive for every thing I think and every action that I take.
Am I really doing things for others out of the goodness of
my heart? Am I motivated, in fact by selflessness or rather selfishness? Do I
even know the difference?"

maalaala mo kaya

2005-04-11T09:45:00.000+08:00

i just remembered.. i was watching maalaala mo kaya last thursday... and then one character said..

"sana lahat ng tao kaya harapin yung nakaraan nila.. para walang
nasasaktan.. walang naiiwan.. walang nagagalit.. walang umaasa.."

sana nga...

i love swimming..

2005-04-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

went to 9 waves yesterday.. yes.. you read it right 9 waves.. hindi eight.. sa san mateo rizal un.. ayun.. the place was nice.. 3 pools.. one wave pool, one big kiddie pool, and one pool na 3 to 6 feet.. i got to have the 6 feet pool for myself for about 15 minutes.. i missed swimming.. so niluboslublos ko na.. at ang itim ko na ngayon.. hahaÜ but it was fun.. really really fun.. hahaÜ
i really love swimming..

bored..

2005-04-07T07:55:00.000+08:00

this past few days..
walang nangyayari..
ang boring..
kaya wala rinako masyadong nasusulat dito..
pero nung tuesday, someone texted me..
i met him nung friday at my friend's kuya's grad party..
pinsan siya nung friend ko..
he asked for my number kasi may sun ako..
kaya yun...
ganito yung usap namin..
pangalanan natin siyang takbo... (ang weird nung name..)
here it goes...

takbo: the weather is relatively cool today, wouldn't you agree, celine? nu ngyon?Ü

celine: ano nga naman ngayon?Ü wala kang magawa noh?Ü

takbo: right you are! by the way, today is tuesday!Ü

celine: tama!Ü and tomorrow is wednesday..Ü

takbo: you dont say!Ü by the way, what is your favorite day?Ü

celine: seryosong tanong ba to?Ü

takbo: yeah. mine is thursday.Ü

celine: why thursday?

takbo: unfair! answer the question first.Ü

celine: wedenesday?Ü so why thursday?

takbo: thursday- because i become so restless, and excited because in my subconscious all i think about is the week's ending and that tomorrow's fridayÜ why wednesday?

celine: because it's in the middle of the week..Ü labo..Ü

takbo: yes you are. and that's what make people interesting..Ü

celine:okay..Ü

ayun.. ang weird lang.. yun lang..

nga pala.. yung entry before this.. di na sha totoo ngayon.. I AM HAPPY...

pain...

2005-04-05T14:33:00.000+08:00

yan.. yan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon..
dapat nga hindi eh.. im supposed to be happy...
pero it just hit me..
i am so clueless..
hindi ko pala kilala ung taong dapat kilala ko talaga..
dapat ako ung may kilala sa kanya ng buong buo..
pero bakit hindi? bakit parang mas kilala pa siya ng buong mundo kesa sakin?
ang sakit..

sick

2005-04-04T14:09:00.000+08:00

i am so sick....

bum...

2005-04-01T16:44:00.000+08:00

ang hirap maging bum...
kaya nagayon.. bumubuo akon g 1000 pieces na puzzle.. ang hirap..
kasama ko ate ko..
sinimulan namin kanina.. gilid lang natapos namin..
ang saya.. sakit sa ulo...
sobra..

4-6.. ='s

2005-03-31T15:14:00.000+08:00

i read mian's blog a few minutes ago... she said that "being with the class (4-6) is an escape". i agree. despite every pressure na meron nung 4th year.. knowing that 4-6 is there makes coming to school worth it.. i miss 4-6 and the home it brings me.. ang hirap isulat yung nararamdaman ko.. i just miss you guys.. hope to be with you soon.. ='s

march 21 to 29

2005-03-29T17:21:00.000+08:00

March 29, Tuesday
Ang sarap talaga matulog pag kama mo yung tinutulugan mo.. haha.. Ginising ako kasi bibisitahin naming yung lolo ko.. hinahanap daw kami kagabi.. nastroke kasi siya.. tapos naririnigrinig ko na he’s about to leave us.. sana hindi.. ayoko pa.. mahal na mahal ko yung lolo kong yun.. tapos umuwi na kami kasi he was sleepy.. and we let him rest.. he told us to take care and that he loves us… sabi pa niya god bless us daw.. san ibless sha ni God.. sana tumagal pa sha dito..pastor ksi siya eh.. sana makapagpreach siya kahit isa nalang.. at sana mapakinggan ko yun..

March 28, Monday
Bumalik na kaming maynila.. buti wala ng long wait para maksakay ng roro.. haha…
Ayun.. nagcards lang kami the whole time sa boat.. 3 hours din yun.. hahah.. ang tatag.. tapos nung pauwi na kami from lucena..nagcards ulit kami hanggang dumilim.. paguwi ditto.. kumain lang ako.. at natapos na ang araw ko..

March 27, Sunday
Pumunta kmi sa bayan ng Torrijos.. town un sa mdque.. ayun.. nanood kami ng play.. open area siya at walang upuan.. at nagsisiksikan ang mga tao.. so sinukuan naming,.. nanood nalang kami from afar.. sa van naming kami nakaupo… ayun.. tapos kumain kami ng dinner pagbalik.. tapos nagbrownout.. ang saya diba? Natulog ako sa sala.. kasi mainit as kwarto.. yun lang..

March 26, Saturday
Birthday nung pamangkin ko.. so may sort of party for him.. first birthday kasi..
Tapos pumunta kaming boac.. to go shopping sa trade fair nila.. puro stuff na kawa sa marinduque.. bumili ako ng tsinelas.. tatlo.. isang white.. isang blue.. isang black.. ayun.. tapos nung pauwi kami.. muntik na mawala ung isa dun sa slippers kong regalo sakin.. pinabalikan ko pa kais nahulog sa road from the van.. di ko maalala kung pano.. pero talagang pinabalikan ko pa siya..

March 25, Friday
We went swimming.. hot springs.. pero pool… konti lang tao kasi nga good Friday..ayun.. had fun.. sobra.. tapos pumunta ksming gasan, a town in marinduque.. nagpicture picture kami sa mga morions..

March 24, Thursday
Pumunta kaming beach.. di ako nagswim kasi di pwede for some biological reasons…kumain akong halohalo.. surprisingly.. it was just 6 pesos.. di sha sobrang laki.. pero ang mura niya… lalang.. ayun… nga pala.. every two hours,, kumakain ako.. at walang siganal ang sun sa marinduque.. nakakalungkot..

March 23, Wednesday
Woke up early.. punta na klaming marinduque..eh sasakay kami ng roro sa lucena.. dumating kami around 1030 sa lucena.. ang daming tao.. so we had to wait until 6pm para maksakay.. nakakapagod.. arrived sa marinduque mga 10 pm.. pero we had to travel pa to get to the place we were gonna stay in.. 1 hour drive daw un.. pero we got lost so we found the place 1230 am na…

March 22, Tuesday
Dapat alis na ko.. punta kaming marinduque kaso di kami natuloy.. pumunta kami ni papa. Sa up manila.. nagappeal kami.. ang layo pala nun.. actually mukha muka lang malayo kasi nagdrive kami.. eh halos kasing layo lang din pala ng lasalle yun.. one station sa lrt lang ang difference.. haha.. tapos umuwi na kami.. tapos pumunta kong mc ng 12 noon para kunin ung card ko.. although 130 pa naman dapat.. may going away party kasi si dr licuanan and ms Salazar eh invited nanay ko so sumama na ko.. ayun.. pero pumunta nalang akong hs building.. nakuha ko yung pics nung grad… tapos dapat tatawagan ko si sir andre para may kasama ko.. eh nakita ko siya kagad so tumakbo ko papunta sa kanya.. ayun.. tapos papunta rin pala sha dun sa going away partyt so sinamahan ko sitya dun.. tpos pumunta na naman ako sa hs.. dumeretso kong classroom. May mga tao na.. andun din si ms Windsor.. fixing things and stuff… ayu.. tapos nagpicturepicture kami with some classmates… ayun.. tapos pagpasok ko sa classroom.. si ms Windsor.. binagsak niya yng mga mgnificat.. parang nagdadabog.. so lumabas ako to help her with the other bulk.. ayun.. tapos kinarga naman niya yung box ng 4-6 sa English..papunta ata siyang faculty..eh may isa pang box dun.. sa 4-7 ata.. eh mukang babalikan pa niya.. so I offerd help at nagpatulong naman siya.. pagdating sa faculty..i asked kung babalik pa siya ng classroom.. she said yes.. and I waited for her.. paglabas niya.. sinabihan ko siya na ang tagla niya.. umihi pa daw siya eh.. ayun.. tapos I hung around with her.. kwentuhan lang and all that.. tapos nung uuwi na ko.. hinatid niya ko sa nanay ko.. nagpahatid kasi ako.. ganti lang sa pagpapaantay niya sakin.. then I went home..
Nung gabi.. I went to kookie’s grad party.. pito lang kami dun.. ako, si gaye, mian, ivy, aileen, charly, at si kookie syempre.. nag123pass kami.. may mga dare pag talo.. like kakain ng dalawang peachypeachy sabay.. tapos turon.. subo lahat kagad.. maggang walang bagoong. Isang square ng puto binan.. isang kutsaritang bagoong.. dalawang basong coke..kalahating basong beer.. 2 kutsarang salsa.. ang saya diba? Tapos nung paubos na we had to eat peachypeahy na may bagoong.. turon na may mangga.. isang basong beer.. bsata ang baboy na.,. si gaye lagi ang talo.. ayun.. first time niya uminom ng beer.. of legal age na naman siya eh..ayun.. went home 1030.. hinatid ko pa si gaye.. un lang…

March 21, Monday
Pauline cuenca called me up at around 1030 am.. she asked me if I had plans for the night.. then I said none.. and she asked me if I could go to the juniors’ prom and I f I could bring someone with me.. I wanted to go so I asked my mom if I could go.. found someone to bring me to makati shang.. si coy yun… and I found someone to join me.. si kookie un.. I texted pauline na I was going na nga.. pero apparaently di niya nareceive kasi.. di nya ko nirereplyan so itexted her when I was on my way ther tapos kala nya id ako pwede so papunta na rin sha.. I called uana if it was ok.. buti nalang ok lang.. ..so there.. nagusher ako dun.. tapos I was assigned sa registration ng 3-5.. ayun.. ok sana kausap lahat.. I knew half siguro of the class so masaya.. but there was this one girl who knew me by name, by face and by stories told to her about me.. I knew her the same way too.. but when we formally got introduced.. ay grabe,, hindi ba niya ko matignan sa mukha? Take note.. hindi lang mata.. mukha talaga.. nakatalikod ba naman sakin? Ayun.. sana lang tumingin siya.. I have nothing against her naman.. ayun… tapos natapos din ang registration at pinakain na rin kami.. we ate sa baba.. sa manila b ata un.. buti nalang iba ung food kundi mamamatay ako kasi pareho nung menu nila ung menu naming nung ball… after eating.. nagtext si sir andre kay kookie na nasa makati shang sha.. we met up with him and there.. siya na kasama namin ni kookie the whole night.. oh yeah.. may isa pa palang nangyrai nung gabing yun.. I had this friend.. a guy.. yung date niya girlfriend niya.. eh ilegal sila sa parents nung girl.. to cut the story short, nahuli silang magkasama nung gabing yun and the girl was forced to go home…ayun.. ano pa ba? Umalis ako dun around 11:30 pm.. sumabay ako kay marga.. tapos ayun.. deretso kami sa bahay nila.. dumating si mary (de Guzman), sheela (bautista), Cyril (belarmino) and Pauline Fernandez and their dates.. ayun.. nung umuwi yung dates nila.. pinakit sakin ni mary ung gift sa kanya nung date niya.. rubber duckie.. si ko alm kung bakit ganun.. so tinext naming ung date niya.. tinanong ko kung bakit un.. tapos isnagot naman niya.. nakalimutan ko na ngal lang ung sagot.. tapos umuwi na ko.. mga 230 na rin un… un lang..

tired...

2005-03-19T14:18:00.000+08:00

Today.... my sister's birthday... went to lasalle.. i had a pre-confirmation orientation.... had to be there by 830 so we left 720.. rode the mrt.. then lrt.. grabe.. if i study there.. it'll cost me 54 pesos a day.. good luck... i was with bea (ballesca) and karen (batalla).. tska andun din mom ko.. nalaman ko lang palang andun si bea.. kais tinext ba naman ako.. parang ganito ung sinabi.. "nasa lasalle ka noh? you're wearing red.." creepy diba? hahaha....Ü ayun.. so i was with them.. ang dami naming kinain nung break.. ang sarap nung pansit eh.. hahaha...Ü ayun.. gusto ko sana makita ung pool kasi malaki daw siya.. (olympic size) kaso umaambon so hindi na kami pumunta nung campus tour kasi baka mastranded daw kami dun... went home gamit lrt at mrt.. ayn.. tapos nagsm kami sandali ng mom ko.. tapos yun.. i am now home...

March 18, friday
Morning: woke up at 4 am to get ready for school.. (last day na...)
graduation ng grade 7 so we weren;t able to practice sa 2nd floor caf... sa marian nalang..
late na nagstart so we had no recess.. got dismissed 1230... sheesh... from 6 to 1230.. di ako kumain.. ayun..
Afternoon: went to the parlor.. natapos ako 445.. pumunta ko ng photo stuio.. got my picture taken and went to the ball..
Evening: Grad ball na... Ciara won "ball" queen.. ayun.. congrats ciars!!!
sat with pau, kriska, lucia, charly isay, adgie, sam, gaye, lea... ok lang.. i missed them.. no i missed what we had.. the friendship... the love we shared as friends.. the stories.. the laughter.. the angst.. everything.. kung nababasa nyo man to.. i really miss you..
midnight: went up sa room nila tita milit.. i went with gaye.. sabay kasi siya pauwi.. was so sleepy.. so natulog si gaye... ako.. nanood ng how to lose a guy in 10 days.. andun din pala si nica.. tapos dumating si kamae and her date... ayun... went home mga 115.. sobrang traffic sa edsa. at 2 am traffic.. di ko alam kung bakit kasi tulog ako.. may roads ata na inaayos.. sheesh.. got home around 230.. slept immediately after washing my face..

March 17, 8PM.. went to uana's place with my mom.. i helped them to finish the reg ekek... went home at 12 MN.. it was fun kahit na medyo matagal...
I AM SO SLEEPY..
i miss you.. i hope to see you tomorrow.. i hope to hug you.. because it might be the last time... well, i hope not.. i'm gonna miss you.. big time... i hope you can read this...

five days...

2005-03-17T16:25:00.000+08:00

it has been five days since i last wrote here.. nawalan lang ako ng internet card kaya ganun...
anyway.. here's what i've been up to mula nung march 13..

march 13, sunday
i went to church and bought my ball dress.. i actually bough one a month ago but my mom didn't like it.. (i liked it..) it was too casual daw.. so i bought a new one which she approved of... -end of day-

march 14, monday
dapat anniv ng grandparents ko... kaso my lolo died last year.. i miss him...

march 15, tuesday..
sheesh.. happy birthday to me.. happy nga ba? hindi rin..
worst birthday ever...
bakit?
here's a list.. (hindi ito in order)
1. sa buong 4-6, si aica lang may alam na birthday ko.. (thanks aics..)
2. sa paclicks, i guess it was only lucia who knew.. (kris, pau, charly.... thanks for greeting me..)
3. no one would pick me up from school...
4. my mom texted me that my dad won't be home for dinner..
5. i waited from 430 to 630 fro my mom to finish her classes... alone...
6. we were supposed to eat out but when we arrived home at 730, my siblings were eating.. (eat-out cancelled)
7. my dad arrived around 8 and left affter 10 minutes to go to some party with my mom..
8. we fought..
9. my lola did not know it was my birthday..
10. i cried myself to sleep...
11. i had to wear my grad shoes.. it hurt...
my day sucked... big time....

March 16, wednesday
dress rehearsal for grad.. ang init.. sobra..
went to cantina. mom had a meeting..
ate a really big burrito.. ang sarap.. pero masukasuka na ko in the end... hahaha
chester's birthday
we ate out..
tita rory gave chester a cake... he was so happy..

March17, Thursday
no classes...
yey..
ang aga ko nagising...
dapat kanina p ko magsusulat kaso gakit ni ate pc..
ayun..
made something for the class..
will give it tomorrow...
excited na ko..
yn lang..
naayos ko rin printer namin.. so happy... hahahaha
that's all... yey...

birthday

2005-03-12T07:24:00.000+08:00

i just remembered.. birthday ko na sa tuesday.. isa lang dasal ko.. sana matupad yung wish ko...

batch night??

2005-03-12T07:07:00.000+08:00

kagabi, may kausap akong person.. pangalanan natin siyang pulgas.. (sorry kung mabasa mo to.. medyo un ung unang name na pumasok sa utak ko..) ayun.. si pulgas nga.. tapos may crush sha sa batch ko..pangalanan natin siyang nene.. (ano ba tong mga naiisip kong pangalan?) tapos ung friend ni pulgas inask si nene sa prom nila.. edi pumayag si nene.. tapos bigla ba namang nagcancel... bakit daw??? kasi daw may batch night today..eh mamaya din yung prom nila.. ayun.. ang weird lang.. bakit may batch night na hindi ko alam? ang alam ko kabilang ako sa batch na yun ah?? tsaka bakit may batch night pa kung sa friday na yung ball namin diba? kung may nakakaalam sa batch night na tinutukoy ni nene.. pakisabi sakin.. salamat...

ang huling araw by nsensitiv

2005-03-11T07:21:00.001+08:00

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.
Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.
Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.
Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.
Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.
Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.
Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.
Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.
Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

from peyups.com

thoughts of some blue kid...

2005-03-11T07:21:00.000+08:00

nabasa ko lang to sa peyups.com.. pag wala kayong magawa.. punta kayo dun.. maraming pwede mabasa...here's one.. ang title nito ay minsan, hindi ako naka-maskara...
ung code name ng gumawa nito ay blue kid...

Matagal na rin akong ganito, mga ilang buwan na, naka-maskara, pilit nagpapanggap dahil sa mundong alam kong hindi ako maiintindihan. Lagi akong masaya, nakangiti na lang sa kung sinong anino ang dumaan… iyan ay kung may nakakakita nga sa akin. Magaling nga siguro akong umarte. Isipin mo, sa tagal ng pagpapanggap ko, walang ni isa man lang ang naghinalang marahil sa mga sandali ng aking pag-iisa ay umiiyak din ako. Bilib nga sila sa akin, paano, iniwanan na daw ako at pinaglaruan, nakatawa pa rin. Minsan, may nagtanong pa nga kung paano daw makalimot. Tinawanan ko lang, parang napaka-obvious ng sagot. Pero sa totoo, tinawanan ko dahil ako mismo, hindi ko alam. May ilan nang humanga sa 'kin, buti pa daw ako, nakapag-move-on na. Kung nakikita lang sana nila ako sa mga minsang sandaling ako lang mag-isa.
Matagal na rin akong ganito, minsan nga nakaka-manhid na. Sige, bato nyo lang lahat sa akin! Na pinagpalit mo ako sa isang playboy na halos sampung taon ang tanda sa iyo dahil sa magaling siyang tumugtog ng gitara. Na palipat-lipat ka lang sa mga kotse sa walang hangganang pila ng mga drag racers kasama ang libreng toma at hatid-sundo sa bahay nyo. Na tubig mo na ang Red Horse habang hirap pa ako sa paghithit ng isang sigarilyo. Na wala na ako sa buhay mo habang ikaw pa rin ang nagpapatakbo ng mundo ko.
Nakakainis isipin, ano? Kaya nga iniiwasan ko na lang isipin. Unti-unti, iniipon ko na lang ang lahat ng mga pabirong pintas nila sa pagiging tanga ko dahil iniisip pa rin kita. Nakakatawa nga, dun lang ako lumalaban kapag ikaw na ang iniinsulto nila. Sa lahat, yun ang hindi ko nakakayang tiisin. Laitin na nila ako’t pagtawanan, huwag lang ikaw ang mabastos (ganyan kalaki ang halaga mo sa akin, kahit na ba binasura mo na ako’t pinagtabuyan.) Kaya nga tuwing gabi na lamang, kung kelan mga munting hinga na lang ang naririnig ko, kung kelan wala ng makakapansin sa akin, doon ko hinuhubad ang maskara ko at umiiyak.
Hindi ko nga ba alam. Basta sa mga sandaling iyon, doon lamang ako sumasaya ng lubusan. Yakap ang unang bigay mo pa sa akin, pilit kong binabalikan ang mga panahong nagkasama tayo. Iyong mga araw na nagkatabi tayong wala nang sinasabi, basta naka-upo na lang (di ba masaya na tayo nun?) Sa ganoon lang, ramdam ko nang mahal mo ako. Sa bawat patak ng luha, bumabalik ang mga simpleng tawanan, baduy na lambingan, at lahat ng mga kakornihang bagay na ginagawa natin dati. Sa bawat hikbi, pilit kong inaalala ang mga salitang sinabi mo sa 'kin. Sabi mo pa nga, hindi ka titigil sa pagmamahal. Alam mo, hanggang ngayon, sa bawat hikbi at patak ng luha ko, naininwala pa rin ako dun. At sa dahan-dahang pag-alis ng malay ko, dahan-dahan ko ding binubulong ang mga salitang gusto ko sanang iparinig sa iyo sa dalawang linggong hindi tayo nagkita bago mo kinalimutan ang dalawang taong pinagsamahan natin.
Matagal na akong ganito, gusto ko nang makawala, nakakamanhid na eh. Pero paano nga ba kita malilimutan kung kahit saan man ako matingin, nakikita pa rin kita. Wala na akong nakausap na kaibigan natin dati na hindi ako tinatanong kung kumusta ka na. Paano nga ba kita makakalimutan kung larawan mo pa rin ang nakadikit sa locker ko? Kung messages mo pa rin ang nasa outbox ko? Kung gamit ko pa rin ang tasang regalo mo sa akin, ang T-shirt, ang mga panyo, ang unan ko? Paano nga ba kita malilimutan kung buwan-buwan na lang kitang sinusulatan sa mga papel na sinusunog ko rin kinabukasan?
Minsan naisip ko kung nasaktan ka rin ba sa mga nangyari, kung umiiyak ka rin ba tulad ng pag-iyak ko, kung kahit paminsan-minsan man lang ay nadadalaw ko din ang isipan mo.
Matagal na akong ganito, umiiyak sa likod ng aking maskara, panay ang hiling na sana’y mahal mo pa rin ako, pilit na kumakapit sa mga alaalang iniwan mo. Pero gusto ko na ring makawala, naaawa na rin ako sa sarili ko kung minsan. Nakakamanhid na.
Ilang beses ko na nga bang pinangako sa sarili kong kakalimutan ka. Pero marahil, sa mga sandaling nag-iisa na lamang ako, kailangan ko lang talagang hubarin ang maskara, lumuha, at sumulat ng mga linyang tulad nito…

finished....but.....

2005-03-10T06:22:00.000+08:00

eto na siguro pinakapangit na end ng high school life ko...

bakit?

kasi.. mali ung akala kong nakahanap na ko ng mga kaibigan na hanggang pagtanda namin.. ok kami.. kala ko kahit na sobrang magkakaiba namin.. magiging ok lahat.. kasi mahal namin ang isa't isa..

apat na araw na lang kaming magkikita bago maggraduation.. tapos.. ganito pa.. sayang.. nakakamiss... sobra..

sa mga kaibigan ko.. kilala nyo na kung sino kayo.. kung nababasa niyo man to...

eto lang masasabi ko.. hindi ko to masabi ng personal.. ayokong ibreak ung kasiyahan niyo..

"mahal ko kayo.. salamat sa lahat lahat.. salamat kasi dahil sainyo.. natutunan kong mahalin sarili ko.. dahil sa inyo.. natutunan kong maging masaya.. dahil sa inyo.. nagbago yung pananaw ko sa buhay.. dahil sa inyo.. hindi naging pabigat ang high school.. dahil sa inyo.. naramdaman kong mayroon akong kaibigan.. patawad sa lahat ng mga mali ko..patawad kung nasaktan ko kayo.. patawad kung may nasabi akong mali.. patawad.. hindi ko hinihingin bumalik tayo sa dati.. sana lang mapatawad niyo ko.. kahit hindi muna ngayon.. mahal ko kayo.. kung sakaling kailanganin niyo ng kaibigan.. andito pa rin ako.. pero sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko.. tatlong salita lang ang makakasummarize nito...-----I MISS YOU.."

tamad...

2005-03-07T18:57:00.000+08:00

nakakatamad na mag-aral.. di dahil ggraduate na ko kaya ako ganito.. ewan ko ba.. wala akong gana mag-aaral..

exams sa math at fil bukas...

anong ginawa ko?

nagliwaliw mula 10 hanggang 1 sa school..

sinamahan dad ko sa mercurydrug sa libis..

nagmerienda sa isang bangko...

tapos..

naggrocery...

kakauwi ko lang..

wala pa kong naaaral...

sheesh..

pano na ko uunlad??

sana maging mabait sakin ang Diyos..

exams na bukas...

2005-03-06T07:38:00.000+08:00

yeah.. exams na.. econ bukas.. pero.. hindi a ko nagaaral.. hahahahahaha....

anyway...

napipikon ako sa mga taong hanggang salita lang.. sinasabing tatawag.. pero hindi... anak ng tipaklong na yan o.. pero ok lang.. sino ba naman ako para tawagan niya? sayang.. naexcite pa man din akong makausap sha.. kahit one time big time lang...

tapos...

kahapon.. nagbake akmi ng nanay ko ng cookies.. choco chip.. ang sarap.. hahahaha... (ang yabang!!!) pero ayun.. ang dami nya.. as in mga 100.. hahahahaha.. nakakapagod na .. nakakataba pa.. musta naman ang pangarap kong maging payat????

grabe..

sobrang nabobore ako kung kaya't kung ano anong nasusulat ko dito...

sana sipagin ako magaral mamaya.. ang haba pa man din ng econ ngayong 4th quarter...

hell.................masaya..... labo...

2005-03-03T18:22:00.000+08:00

hell.. grabe.. literal na hell week.. i don't get why we have to pass so much requirements at the end of each quarter while all we do in the middle of the quarter is bum around.. crap... bukas na nga last day pero parang kailangan ko pa pilitin yung sarili kong gumising para pumasok sa isang paaralang walang ginawa kundi pahirapan kami.. argh...

okay..

enough about ranting...

i am happy...

new life?

2005-02-28T13:30:00.000+08:00

ok.. di ko alam kung bakit ako nagdecide na magkablog.. di ko rin alam kung seryoso ko sa pagsulat dito.. at kung lagi akong magsusulat.. wala naman sigurong magbabasa nito so masaya.. ang labo ko... hahahahaha.. kakatapos ko lang gwin ung maga kailangan for english.. ang saya.. sana lang iprint ni diego.. para sa mga magbabasa nito.. random thought ang isusulat ko dito.. wag kayong magexpect ng cohesive sentences at coherent at unified paragraphs.. wala lang.. wala na kong maisip.. inaantok na ko.. so hanggang sa muli?? (as if may kausap.. hahaha)